Secondary Infertility Part 2; Why We Chose IVF

I have actually sat down to write this post at least 10 times.  I could blame this on being distracted, but I know it has more to do with me personally.  This journey has been challenging and each new day there is a new emotion leaving it hard for me to get my thoughts on paper in a clear and concise way.  From the moment I made that appointment with the Fertility Dr. until now, I still find myself shocked at how naive I was. Since the middle of September, we have gone through the following efforts to conceive: a round using solely fertility drugs, followed by an IUI with fertility drugs and then 2 more IUI’s with the use of drugs + injections.  The first 3 attempts I just mentioned obviously failed and with the 3rd attempt, my body stopped responding to injections. Why? There is no reason. The body does what it wants and every cycle is different. Feeling frustrated, confused, and defeated we were left at a crossroads with a significant decision. We chose IVF. 

Ah, deep breath.  Even typing out that sentence feels heavy. Because it is.  IVF is a 3 month process. It will cost us about $25,000. This comes after dropping roughly $8,000 on previous  treatments & medication. I do not tell you this to gain pity, but more so to give you the whole picture. Thus it isn’t the distractions getting in the way, but more so grappling with all the emotions and ‘what if’ scenarios that go on in that crazy head of mine. I am fully aware that no one is forcing me to publicly blurt my feelings out on social media. It isn’t like I am some big shot influencer or TV personality leaving my audience on the edge of their seats eager with anticipation. No, I am choosing to share because selfishly this is cathartic for me, and I know for a fact it helps other women.  So here I am, for the 11th time, sitting at my dining room table during those precious naptime hours, finally sharing the second chapter of our fertility journey. 

Thanks for being here, and I hope this helps you or someone you know. If you want to catch up feel free to read here.

How & Why We Opted for IVF…

Have you ever wanted something so badly where it pains you to even consider the future without it? Where even the mere thought of it not happening makes you feel sick? Well this is how I feel about growing my family. My biggest dream was to become a mom, and have at least two babies.  I knew I was ready for baby #2 by the time Stella was 1. However we said we would wait and enjoy the one kid life a little longer, take a vacation, and well, drink some more wine. Naturally. Well, hindsight is 20/20!

After each failed attempt, the disappointment is crushing. The heartbreak is overwhelming and all consuming.  I felt all of the hope I had built slip when I had to make the decision only 3 days after the fact if I wanted to try another round. There are no guarantees.  So while I am in that all encompassing sadness all I can think about is here we go again; more drugs, more injections, more Dr. visits, more money and more hope for something that has an 18-20% chance of working.  In those moments, I cry hard. My family & close friends say I am strong, but I definitely don’t feel it. Every time I knew it didn’t stick, I went for a run. An angry run, the kind where you let your feet and body take over completely and give into the simple motion of one foot in front of the other. The music is on loud blocking out any outside noise so it is just you and the road.  And then before you know it, you are crying because in a sense you are trying to run away from all of it. In those moments it all feels so shitty, you want nothing to do with any if it anymore. And after, I always feel better. I gain clarity and perspective.

OR maybe the running feels so damn good because I have had to cut way back and during an IUI cycle eliminate it completely. The struggle is real. Running is so much more than just exercise. It helps me process life in general. It makes me feel strong and empowered; it is a social outlet; it’s time just for me; it gives me perspective and control; but most of all it makes me happy. In a sense, it keeps me sane. If you are a runner, you get it.

Infertility is such a stressful mindfuck. They tell you to do all of the things: take every supplement under the sun, do acupuncture,  don’t do any strenuous exercise but still exercise!,  reduce caffeine + alcohol intake, and make sure to REST and keep your stress levels down. The irony is rich. Take away my tequila & exercise, but I will be all calm while I inject myself with some more hormones. Lovely. I mean...WTF?!

It has been a trying few months as we deal with our desire for another baby coupled with the reality of the decision we had to make; Do we do another round of IUI? Do we do IVF? Or do we take a “break”? At the end of the day it was a fairly easy decision for both Jeff and I.  It all came down to one thing; we want a sibling for Stella. And we wanted it yesterday. We also both do not do well waiting for things to happen. And in my situation, I would literally be sitting around not running, and waiting for my period (which hasn’t happened naturally since right after Stella was born-I explain more here).  Although there are still no guarantees, our chances with IVF are promising. I take comfort knowing we are actually working towards something. For the first time in this process, I feel excited. I could very well be pregnant in 3 months, and that thought alone makes me smile. 

In conclusion:

Perspective and grace are crucial to handling all the challenges that the upcoming months will bring and what the ones prior have as well. So many other women have and do struggle with infertility. For every bad story, there is a positive one. We have the most beautiful happy & healthy little girl. Essentially it could be A LOT worse. I know how blessed and lucky I am, but I also know it is perfectly okay that I have moments of anger, frustration, and sadness. I have learned to give myself a little grace, be mindful of all the good around me, and go forward with gratitude for the family I have with the hope of becoming a family of 4

“Be aware of what season you are in and give yourself the grace to be there”. 

And for all of you going through your own personal & unique journeys of infertility; deep breath, we got this.