Secondary Infertility; It's A Thing.
There is nothing like a woman who wants to get pregnant. If you know a woman who is trying to conceive (TTC), or are one of those women “trying” then you understand. Once you set your mind to it, there is nothing else that matters. The obsession with fertility is all consuming. Every emotion, ache, pain, emotion is over analyzed. Naturally this leads to the dark hole of a google search to discover what each symptom means. Does this mean I am pregnant? Seriously, this happens and it is mentally exhausting. I know all of this very well, because I am that woman.
Who knew secondary infertility was a thing?? According to my trusty google search, it is more common than you might think, accounting for 50% of infertility cases. Crazy, right? As many of you know, my husband and I are blessed with a beautiful, healthy & spunky almost 2 year old little girl, named Stella Rose. We got pregnant with Stella on the 1st try. Yes, it was THAT easy. And now here we are navigating the murky waters of this infertility thing. And forgive me for being blunt, but it absolutely sucks.
I am not looking for pity, but more so I am writing this as a cathartic exercise and to bring awareness to something I knew so little about until a week ago. When you hear stories about infertility it is usually always the after. After they made it and had a healthy baby or babies. Well, it may get messy, sad, and depressing but I am going to share it all. And then I look forward to when I am able to share the “happy ever after” part too.
Thanks for being here and following along for the ride. I promise to explain everything as clearly as I can without being too lengthy.
When I knew something was up…
After I had Stella, I went on the pill. I was not thrilled with this choice, but I was terrified of having irish twins. (EEK.) Thus the need for some 99% foolproof prevention. Who knows if that was the cause but since I went off the pill, I haven’t had a period (without the help of hormone drugs) since April, 2019. We had planned to start “trying” in May 2019. If you know anything about TTC, that is impossible when you aren’t getting your period because most likely there is no ovulation happening. No ovulation = no babies. Being the Type A & crazy planner person I am, I was super proactive and met with my OB. A few visits with her, a couple blood tests, and an ultrasound later all looked “normal”. She gave me some hormones to kick off my period. And when it finally came, she gave me the go ahead to start “trying” once more.
As you can see, that hasn’t worked so well for me. Currently not pregnant and still no sign of Aunt Flo. I am lucky in the sense that I have a wonderful relationship with my doctor. We are on texting terms which is so uncommon these days. I sent her a text with my concerns and knowing how I am an impatiently persistent & efficient person, she recommended I go straight to a Fertility specialist.
To the Fertility Doctor We go…
Luckily the Dr’s office I wanted had a cancellation. (Silent prayers of thanks for that). I liked the office vibe right away- thoughtful & caring nurses and the doctor had a caring & genuine demeanor. As we sat in his office drinking our “fertility - tea” (for real that is what he calls it), we went over my chart. Although he agreed we weren’t necessarily TTC for that long, the lack of a period was a concern. I had an ultrasound at the same appointment and he came up with a POA (plan of action).
The Diagnosis & Plan of Attack (POA)...
I was so naive. I walked into this Dr. office that day with the mindset, I would be given some drugs and all would be well. I would ovulate, do the dirty, and boom- be pregnant. Joke’s on me! The ultrasound was blur. It was as if the Dr. was speaking another language. Or to someone else. All while I am thinking, “ok, when will you give me a drug to just fix the problem?”. I told you I am all about efficiency.
After he went over a rough plan, he looked at me to see if I had any questions. I wanted to say, UM...yes, yes I have a 1000 questions and do not know where to start. He briefly went over instructions for the next month, and then ushered us to our nurse’s office to go over the plan in more detail. But not before he dropped another lovely tidbit; he advised I cut my running mileage down to 10-15 miles a week. I almost laughed in his face. It was Wednesday, and I was already at my max for the week. Sidenote: If you know me, this was incredibly difficult to digest. Running is my sanity, my stress relief and my outlet. You get the picture.
Already discouraged, we sat down in Jennie’s office as she rattled off all the instructions for the next month which goes something like this:
A (me) to get 2 blood panels taken ASAP. (fasted)
If bloodwork shows no signs of menses (period), go on birth control pill
Saline Infusion Sonogram (take Anaprox at 8:15am before)
Start Ciprofloxacin antibiotic twice a day for 3 days (breakfast & dinner- Wednesday, Thursday, Friday)
HSG appt. (take Anaprox at 8am before)
In the meantime take Metformin-
@ OB office - Complete pap and cultures and prenatal (Hiv/Hepatitis, etc- you do not need to be fasting) blood work before consultation
Jeff testing and bloodwork panel
More fasted bloodwork panel (AMH levels)
Consultation scheduled on 10.4 to go over a plan
Yeah, no quick fix there Angelica. Joke’s on you. I didn’t even know how upset I was until we stepped outside and the tears instantly flowed. As my sweet southern friend likes to say, I boo-hoo cried for a good 5 minutes. And then I got in the car and boo-hoo cried more to my mom. It was a sobering moment for both Jeff and I. This whole concept of infertility was (and still is) so foreign to us.
As I let the news set in, I started putting it all in perspective. For one, it could be a lot worse. I didn’t have cancer or a debilitating illness. I am just one of the many other women I know who experience infertility. He didn’t say I could never have another baby. And we now have a plan which makes us one step closer to getting pregnant. Still, it was a lot for us to both take in as a couple.
Current Diagnosis & where currently are...
According to the Dr., his impression based off my history, ultrasound, and bloodwork all demonstrated PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This came as a surprise because the only symptoms I have are irregular periods and infertility. According to the nurse, some patients with PCOS don’t experience any symptoms and like most things every case is different. I am on birth control, and a pill called Metformin to help increase egg quality. Next week I go in twice for my Saline Infusion Sonogram and the HSG Ultrasound. I also have two different blood panels scheduled. It will be busy!
My Feelings as of now...
As I mentioned before, I have perspective and am fully aware that it could all be way worse. However, I would be lying if I said I don’t have my moments. Like last Saturday morning for example. I really missed joining my running crew and going for a long run where we end with an ocean dip & coffee. Or when I hear someone is pregnant with their second baby and then of course how EVERYONE around me seems to be pregnant. Why does this always happen when you want something so bad?? It isn’t that I am not happy for them, but there is a sense of sadness that lingers.
The hardest part is the lack of control I have over this situation. When I decide I want something to happen in my life, I do ALL the things to make it happen. Rationally, I know this is not real life but I cannot change the way I am wired. And to be 100% honest, the anxiety I feel because of my control freak nature is very real and sucks. All I can do though is have faith. I pray every day to handle this journey with a sense of calm and to let go and put it in His hands. Day by day...it will all come together.
Here’s to the next steps!