My Pregnancy Journey @ 30 weeks
It took me a while to write this post for a few reasons. These are personal feelings of mine and I worry that people may interpret them the wrong way or choose to judge me. On the other hand I believe there are many other women in my same boat and would be happy to know they aren’t alone and these feelings are 100% natural. (SO if you’re going to be one of those who judge, kindly piss off and go to another blog.)
Pregnancy is amazing but not everyone loves it. I thought I was going to love it! I love the baby growing inside of me. I love feeling her kick and squirm. I love watching her grow. But there are so many things I am not loving or enjoying. The hardest part is relinquishing control. I miss feeling in control of my body and doing the things that used to come so easily. If I even attempted to go for a run, my pace would be embarrassingly slow. Walking up the stairs is a trek. Essentially doing anything in this heat is a project! Then there are the physical changes and those really get me. Witnessing your body change before your eyes is tough especially for someone like me.
Like many girls, I struggled big time with my weight as a teenager. I was on the brink of an eating disorder, and everyone around me knew it. I was very active playing tennis 3 hours a day after school, but I would count, measure and obsess over every bit of food. Not healthy behavior for an active and fit teenage girl. My coaches became alarmed and expressed their concerns. And then there was my mom who would watch me like a hawk. Thankfully she addressed the situation immediately and took me to a therapist before this became a serious health issue. I entered college healthy, happy and without any repercussions of an eating disorder. What didn’t change was my need for control. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life. It gives me a sense of comfort. Well as you can imagine, it is impossible to control everything and that is a lesson I have learned throughout the years. However it still plagues me occasionally especially when it comes to body image.
I love to feel good in my skin and being active, exercising and eating healthy help me accomplish that feeling. Before pregnancy I knew what to eat in order to stay in my skinny jeans. I knew what workouts to do to keep my abs in check. This was an area where I had absolute control. A couple months into my pregnancy, I quickly learned Mother Nature had other plans. Hormones replace control, as your body becomes a host for your growing baby. And with that come LOTS of changes both physically and emotionally. Some days you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you want to cry and the next you hate all people. (Yea, it is PMS on steroids.)
For the most part I have accepted this new way of life, but I have had many days where I struggle.
Last week I completely lost it after my doctor’s appointment. I stepped on the scale and almost burst into tears right there in front of the nurse when I saw that number. I quickly calculated I had gained a total of 16 pounds in only 29 weeks. Yes, I know every pregnancy is different. I know for many this may not be a big number. I know the majority is fluid. I know it is for the baby. I get it. For me personally, it is overwhelming to see that number. In my mind I think: I still work out 6 days a week, and eat fairly healthy with a few treats scattered throughout the week. How is this possible? Will I ever lose it? Will I ever see my abs again? How long will it take?
I am embarrassed to admit it but after that appointment I came home and I sobbed. Despite comforting words of encouragement from my husband and my mom, I continued to let myself be in a funk all day. I wish I could have that day back. How stupid to waste a day wallowing in my own self-pity because of pregnancy weight gain. I started to think about how my behavior would influence my daughter if she could see me crying over something so trivial. That is not the example I want to set for her. I do not want her to go through body image issues like I did.
They say becoming a mom changes you and helps you grow as a person. Before I do anything I think about my daughter first; how she would see me or would I want her to act like me? With this mindset I instead of fretting over the small stuff in each uncomfortable moment I find comfort in the miracle that is my baby girl. I am lucky enough to have this opportunity when so many women are unable to experience this. I still have my moments where I feel like crying, but above all, my body is doing something miraculous.
Pregnancy has given me spider veins and stretch marks, but despite all the bad it has taught me a crucial lesson I will forever cherish; I have learned to simply, “let it go”. My body is growing a baby. It is going to do what it needs to do and for once in my life I need to sit back, relax and let it happen.